I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
