she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
