Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
