Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
