remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
