idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
