please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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