Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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