So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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