My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
