If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
