i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
