Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
