Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
