I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
