Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
