I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Redeem this text for a blowjob
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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