So drunk its hurt
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
