she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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