Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
