She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
