I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
