i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
