nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
