I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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