i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
