You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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