My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
