i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
