Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
