oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
