I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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