there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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