I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
