Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
