how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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