He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
