How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
