Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
