I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
