made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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