nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
