Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
