I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
