he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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