Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
