I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
