I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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