I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
All I want is dick and wine.
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