We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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