So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
