Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
