I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think my mom watched the whole time
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
